High Windows― Philip Larkin, 1971
“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself.”
As a parent we are used to feeling guilty. Everything we do is wrong, every decision we make is the wrong one and what’s worse; that human we produced is going to be ‘Fucked up’ by us – it’s all our fault; they didn’t even choose to be born.
Parent guilt can be temporary, we may feel guilty for letting the kids watch too much tv or we haven’t listened to them because we’re too busy looking at Facebook on our phones. It can be more long term like not having enrolled them in Scouts or swimming lessons. Parent guilt is the never ending ‘shoulds’ and comparisons with ‘perfect’ parents.
Sometimes it feels like a choice for example we might feel guilty for letting them watch tv on their own whilst we put the washing on. So, we can choose to watch tv with them and feel guilty because the clothes are still dirty. Or we can bake a cake with them – washing still not getting done. Whatever you choose you cannot be the ‘perfect parent’; they don’t exist. That mum you see on Instagram with the perfect house, children, hair, clothes and manicure is a sham. If truth be known, she’s probably spent half the morning cleaning and shouting at her children because they got the pretty dress dirty just before the photo shoot and they won’t smile for the camera. She now feels guilty, she’s done it all for ‘likes’ not for her children.
We need to keep things in perspective and realise that Parent guilt can be healthy, its one of the ways that we keep ourselves focused on what is good for our children; if no one felt it we’d all be down the pub leaving the kids on their own with a packet of sweets and a fag. We need however to keep a lid on this guilt so that it does not lead to extreme anxiety or become overwhelming. We could think of it in terms of having a conscience rather than feeling ‘guilty’.
Parenting can be exhausting; it is easier to do this if we are not in a constant state of anxiety and panic. To do this it is important to practice self-care. A classic example of this is when we are on an aeroplane and the flight attendants advise you to secure your oxygen mask first before assisting your children. You need to make sure that you are ok first so that you can do your best parenting.
One of the biggest choices you may have to make as a mother is whether to go to work or not. If you don’t work, do you feel you are earning enough money to get the things we need for your children? Remember though that going back to work can be a form of self-care in itself. You may feel better about yourself if you are working or you may feel we need time away from the children, to be yourself- not just mum. But if you go to work, are you in some way neglecting them? Will being in day-care or nursery ‘fuck them up’? Will it cause attachment issues?
It might surprise you to know that this guilt may stem from a political agenda going back to the Second World War. During the war women were encouraged to go to work whilst most young working men were away fighting; it was necessary to keep the economy running. Nurseries were opened in their masses to provide day-care for the children of working mums. When the war ended however men wanted their jobs back and ‘their women’ back at home. Child psychologist John Bowlby proposed ‘attachment theory’ in which he stated that young children and babies needed to form a secure attachment with their mother’s. If they spent time apart from their mother’s this attachment would fail and the children would be in danger of becoming permanently damaged and become dangerous delinquents. This served the government at the time well, they used this theory to support shutting down nurseries or limiting the time children could attend and shaming mothers into returning to their role of mother, homemaker and wife. Men could have their jobs back and women would return to their traditional position. Bowlby’s theories however were based on his work in the 1930s with orphaned children in care homes not children at nursery with loving working mothers. Bowlby’s theories are still supported today but it is now accepted that children can form close bonds and attachments with others including nursery staff, grandparents, carers and childminders. The important part is that the child is looked after and feels secure with an adult or even a few trusted adults. They are not damaged by attending day-care and in fact thrive just as well as children who are always at home with mum. In the 1960s and 70s women returned to the workplace in large numbers, this time citing their reasons as it being the best for the child for the mum to be earning money. Living conditions for most improved in the UK and consumerism was steadily increasing. Families competed for the best tv, sofa, car etc. This still happens and has possibly got worse with the advent of social media and the constant comparisons with the mythical perfect family. It is hardly surprising mothers have conflicting feelings about whether to work or not.
Love is what is important to a child not what possessions they have. Of course, they need the basics and some people do not have a choice to work or not. But if being a working parent is what you feel you or your family needs then it probably is, likewise if staying at home feels right for you and your family it probably is.
Dads don’t have it easy either. How often do we hear a father being berated for working too hard, not being home for kiddie’s bath time, missing many milestones, school productions etc? Yet they are also expected to earn money to give their children everything they want or need to be the ‘perfect family’. This can lead to family arguments and family breakdowns. When the family has broken down children usually stay with their mums and the fathers often only see the children every other weekend. They feel under pressure to have fun with them when they have the opportunity to, only to then be bad mouthed by the mother who resents this, feeling she is only having the difficult homework, bedtimes and discipline times.
It can help to try to identify the source of ‘parent guilt’. This may mean considering who you are listening to or taking advice from. Are your friends/ family members always criticising your decisions? Do you think they always make the right decision? I assure you they don’t and they suffer with ‘parent guilt’ too. Do you spend too much time on social media and believe what you see i.e., the ‘perfect family’ posts? They are a sham, people only let you see what they want you to see, you don’t know what work was put into that post. Or you may be trying to either parent differently from our parents because you feel that they didn’t do a very good job. Or you might be comparing yourself unfavourably to your parents and wonder how they coped when you may feel that you’re not. Remember, everyone is in a different situation, comparing yourself to others is not productive. Most people try to do the best for their children and have to work with what they have in life.
You are very unlikely to ‘fuck your children up’; ‘parent guilt’ will usually ensure you don’t especially if you try not to let the guilt override your everyday decision making. Take a step back, be kind to yourself and try to keep your thoughts in perspective. Surround yourself with people who appreciate your values and don’t be afraid to politely tell someone if you don’t want their opinion on your parenting style. Don’t be afraid however to ask for help or advice if you feel you need it. There is no shame in admitting you may be struggling.